need out

The last couple of days I have been in such a funk. Nothing happened per say I just dont feel like doing anything but staring at the wall or sleeping. Nothing bad happened at work but I hate going. Everyone is so nice and helpful and I like working with them but I dont fit yet. Im like a 1st grader trying to fit into and be like college students. NOT going to happen. I have to go through every grade, study, learn, make mistakes, make improvements, strive for perfection, and graduate to the next grade only to do it all again. I have successfully passed pre-school and kindergarden but 1st grade is scary. On my drive to work I pray so hard that I dont kill anyone. Apparently that is a normal prayer of a nurse. comforting isn't it? Even the most experienced nurses tell me that, which makes me feel normal but isn't encouraging. I couldnt imagine doing anything other then labor and delivery. Its the best job. one would think the happiest. BUT, I think one of the saddest too. Last week, I was able to walk through a very difficult exerpience with my pt. I will keep it short so as to not violate any privacy. 2 weeks shy of being full term my pt comes via ambulance. Her water broke. She said she had felt the baby move all day but we couldnt find any heart tones. The MD did a sono and it showed no heart beat. This was devistating the her and her family. So many questions all of which had no answer. So much heart ache that no medicine could take away. After a long night of labor she delivered a beautiful baby boy. He was perfect. The baby had a cord around the neck and the MD and charge nurse believe when her water broke somehow the cord got to tight and strangled the baby. This was very difficult to accept. So many little ones are born with cords around the neck and body etc and they survieve... why him? It was very emotional for everyone in the room. Experiences like that I wouldnt wish on even my worst enemy but they really make one appreciate life. I went home and didnt want to let go of my precious Ryder. I am so thankful for him.

To continue in my funk mood. I love my church but my job makes it difficult to go and get involved. I dont have a set schedule and working nights really throws me off sometimes. Its hard to get involved in home groups when I cant promise attendence. Also, having a 1 1/2 year old also makes it difficult. I miss that fellowship and encouragement. My heart is yearning for God but feel so distant from him. I need accountability, encouragement and Bible studies with other families but dont know how to do that when every week is so different. I dont even know what to change to make it happen outside of quitting my job which I cant do b/c of our finances. We are finially stable then something happens. 2 steps forward 1 step back, 2 steps forward 2 steps back. I'm greatful for the forwards but the steps back are very discouraging. We had officially stopped using credit cards as of a few months ago. YAY us! cut up and thrown out. Then Jeremiah skidded on the ice and ruined his passenger side tires and rims. $1100's later, thats fixed but its on credit. NOOOOOOO!!! That was like 3 steps back. about $100,000 in school debt alone makes me want the throw up. Im greatful for my Education but really? Growing up is fun but I hate is just the same. I love playing with Ryder and wouldnt trade any minute of it. I try so hard to tell myself the dishes, laundry, vaccuming, cleaning, etc can wait until Ryder is down for a nap but as soon as he goes down, I usually crash too. Sometimes life is just so overwhelming and is just doesnt slow down. I'm so tired but have a difficult time sleeping. I want so bad when I wake up and cant go back to sleep to read scripture but cant seem to move. I hope this is just a mood that will pass. I need some sort of divine intervention and guidence.

The few things that bring a smile to my face. Listening to Ryder laugh and talk, his hugs and never ending kisses. His goofy smile when he gets embarressed, watching him dance to veggie tales, Jeremiah coming home from work and being able to spend time a little together. Buddy always being excited to see me and never turing away a good hug. And Ryder's new thing, dumping all the colored pencils out of the box then putting them back in the box, over and over and over again.

Whoever reads this, please pray that my heart conitues to yearn for times with Christ. Pray that a fire continues grows in Jeremiah too. We want so bad to be Godly parents for Ryder. Please pray for guidance as to what to do as far as Godly fellowship with other families. Thank you for taking the time to read this.